I went to church one day last week, I know I should go more,

But I get so embarrassed when I throw up at the door;

The Bishop wrote a letter to appraise my situation:

If I refrained from visiting I'd win my soul's salvation.

But I'm quite fond of holy bread, communion wine I'll sup,

And church is still the only place I sing - without: "SHUT UP!"

I've never read the bible, cos I think it's far too long,

And jeez, a coupla billion Moslems surely can't be wrong?

An Islam paradise, no need for doctors, drugs or surgeons,

Cos who could last but three short weeks with sixty-seven virgins?

The Catholic Church is handy, because I can be a sinner,

Then run to church and be absolved, and make it home for dinner!

I love the Jewish promise of a circumcised hereafter,

Hey, what's that noise? Oh, fifty Mormons just expired of laughter.

The Church of England's lost the plot, don't call me a liar boy,

They only want to know you if you're pretty - and a choirboy!

Baptists, cults, Jehovah's Witness, Voodoo, Jesus Youth,

Trying to convince me that their tenet is the truth;

I wish I had an ounce of faith - a tad, a touch, a smidgeon,

I guess I could if someone would invent a REAL religion.

more of my FUNNY POEMS here