"Yes, come in 007, we really haven't got much time,

I'm sure you know the Minister for Fun,

he's here because they want you to investigate a crime:

a megalomaniac has built a gun!"

"But M - this kind of thing appears to happen every year,

a master criminal comes on the scene,"

"I realize that - but this time it's the royal deal, I fear,

your orders come directly from the Queen!"

"This weapon," said the minister, "Is sinister and vile,

its power comes from somewhere down below,

it sends a beam around the world in search of every smile,

replacing them with apathy and woe.

"Around the nation, people now are gloomy, dark and glum,

they find no pleasant thoughts or things to please,

and this is just an inkling of the mayhem yet to come,

it's starting to affect them overseas."

"Imagine if the President was hit by such a ray,

he'd pass a bill outlawing jokes and mirth,

all sit-coms would be serious, there'd be panic in L.A.

It spells impending doom for planet Earth!"

That night at the casino, James was playing at roulette,

(a part of every secret agent's craft,)

He'd won a thousand pounds and was about to place a bet,

when suddenly a lovely lady laughed.

His dark eyes locked on hers, she smiled, they wandered to the bar,

he lit her smoke - she looked at him and purred,

a half an hour later, in the back seat of his car,

she lay there - shaken, satisfied, and stirred.

James drove her home, she asked him in, the vintage champagne flowed,

he ravished her till she was comatose,

(so many women fainted, some even "double-oh''d,

a perk of MI5 or 6 - who knows?)

A red light started flashing, goons with guns came rushing in,

the girl sat up - my God, he had been conned!

A secret doorway opened, and there sitting, with a grin

was Blofeld, who said: "Hello, Mister Bond!"

"I knew it would be you, you heartless, psycopathic creep!
I'm now expected to lie down and die?"

"Oh no, dear Bond, I'll set my gun to mega-tearful weep,

you're now expected to sit there and cry!"

James laughed so hard that Blofeld thought hysteria had struck,

he loved to see a secret agent fall,

but Bond let out a whistle - and his Aston Martin truck

came crashing through the concrete dungeon wall!

It landed right on Blofeld, all his goons cried out and fled,

Bond grabbed the gun and set its dial to 'joy,'

on automatic fire around the world it quickly spread,

and laughter rang from Rome to Illinois!

"Another PM's medal, James? That's six - or is it eight?

And once again the evil villain's dead,"

"Yes, Moneypenny, how about a little dinner date?

We'll celebrate, and then jump into bed!"

"Oh James - This is romantic, and I love the crepe suzette,

let's dance all night - who knows when you'll be shipped?"

"Another secret mission? Well, I won't be going yet,

I have to wait until they write the script!"