I was born to parents laughter but they split up soon thereafter

seems my Father couldn't stand a baby's noise,

so my Mother started drinking and it quickly had me thinking

that I lived a different life than other boys.

I was tested for vocation but to my intense frustration

all the pointers said that I should drive a truck,

as I pooh-poohed that idea I contracted gonorrhea

so I missed out on the interview - what luck!

Well I wanted a career as a big-time racketeer

with respected politicians on my books,

but I ended up a plumber - yes, it really was a bummer

that I didn't have the money or the looks.

I once dabbled in hang gliding but my body took a hiding

when a downdraft sent me crashing like a dork,

and then to my great annoyance they had cancelled my insurance

so no ambulance turned up - I had to walk!

When my wife went back to Mother I went out to find another

but the girls I interviewed were far from tops,

one climbed to my bedroom window but I wouldn't let her in so

she went off and told a story to the cops!

In the court my lawyer pleaded but the jury never heeded

they decided I was guilty as can be,

as an object of derision I was bundled off to prison

and they locked me up and threw away the key.

Vowing vengeance dark and bloody I immersed myself in study

and I gained an arts degree in laser beams,

from the kitchen in the prison I stole bits to help with fission

and I drew the laser's blueprints in my dreams.

I so vividly remember on a cold day in December

In the cell's steel door I burned a massive hole,

as I let go of the trigger I could hear a little snigger

and the Warden said: "Well, there goes your parole!"

As I quickly reach a hundred I remember times I've wondered

if I'd turned to crime what would I be today,

mobster boss or cocaine farmer? If you ask me, I bet karma

would have put me in this jail cell anyway!