Dearest Santa, this is Tim, you may remember me,

I’m the boy who put the tree snake in our Christmas tree;

I thought you could take a joke, they’re harmless, I believe;

How’d the lounge room in our house get trashed on Christmas eve?

Why was Mother shampooing the carpet Christmas day?

What’s that pooey smell in there that just won’t go away?

Why does Dad now drink a lot? He started Christmas morn;

How’d the Christmas tree end up - outside on our front lawn?

Why’d you leave a golf club lying on our lounge room floor?

How come there’s a carpenter who’s fixing our front door?

Why this talk of sending me to school out near the sea?

What the hell’s a “counsellor”? and how come we have three?

All my soggy presents, Santa, what the hell is that?

Did you spill your milk? Oh, yeah, and where’s my baseball bat?

Where the hell’s our parakeet? It’s been about a week,

How come Mum won’t talk to me? And how come Dad can’t speak?

Santa, could you visit and explain what happened here?

You’re the one with ho-ho-ho and big fat yuletide cheer;

I’m stuck here with parents who won’t venture near a tree,

Help me, Father Christmas, please reply A.S.A.P!

More of my FUNNY POEMS