I thought to own a racehorse, and embrace the Sport of Kings,

Desirous of the riches that a Derby winner brings;

On auction day a likely filly looked like she could fly,

She snorted, pranced around the ring, an inner voice said: "Buy!"

In court my house was given to my wife who left me flat,

She took one look at what I'd bought and said: "The Hell with that!":

"Investment with potential" (so the glossy brochure said)

A filly called "The Duchess" two years old and thoroughbred.

I sought to hire a trainer but they wanted cash up front,

They laughed at me and Duchess and refused to take the punt;

A "How-To Train" book sat upon the supermarket shelf,

An inner voice said: "Who needs experts? Train the horse yourself!"

I taught myself the equine way, from saddle sores to gout,

Young Duchess needed so much gear I had to go without;

With saddle gear and liniment and special food each day

I watched my dwindled bank account dissolve and fade away.

I bought a book on racing, and I practiced riding fast,

The other jockeys laughed at me as they went trotting past;

I wouldn't waste my Duchess on their silly training track,

And taught myself to ride upon a wrinkled rented hack.

I fought the stupid Jockey Club and entered for the Cup,

My one big chance at stardom and to pick a fortune up;

We walked onto the track, I heard the other trainers sneer,

As they all sipped champagne, I slowly drank a lukewarm beer.

I snorted back embarrassment and saddled up my horse,

The bookies laughed as me and Duchess rode out on the course;

"My Rolls-Royce to a thousand bucks that you run last" yelled one,

An inner voice said: "Go ahead" and I said gamely: "Done!"

Escorted to the starting line, I patted Duchess' mane,

"Run like the wind, my darling and we'll ride the Gravy Train;"

The gates then flew, "They're Off!" (that is, except my horse and I)

She hung her head as if to say: "I'm sorry, but I'm shy!"

In sport it's how you play the game, and I believe that's true,

I think of Duchess now and then, whenever I use glue;

I'm living in this seedy dump, as low as I can get,

But things will change one day - an inner voice says: "Wanna Bet?"

  more of my FUNNY POEMS here