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The hands upon my
Rolex never circulate at all
Although I’m sure
my reckoning is near,
I contacted the
Oracle, we dated, had a ball,
The meaning of her
signals wasn’t clear.
On some enchanted
planet I am lauded as a King
“The King of What?”
you ask – that part I fear,
I hide my phone
each morning just in case I hear it ring
And someone says my
rocket ship is here.
I watch the latest
movies, so I’m up with all the news
I’ve stepped
outside about three times this year,
The other day I
cyber-shopped and bought some yellow shoes
And fifty-seven
lorry loads of beer.
My garden is a
shambles full of cats and mice who stare
the Dalai llama
calls me “spotted deer”
I lost the ten
Tibetan monks he left within my care
I shouldn’t bet on
cards with Richard Gere.
I sleep inside a
pup tent on a waterbed of wine
A silly thing I
purchased from Ikea,
Pajamas deftly
monogrammed with limericks of mine
Another
long-forgotten failed career.
I own a robe of
wombat skin, a present from the Queen
She thinks that I’m
a clever water-skier,
The Princess caught
me creeping round the palace mezzanine
I lost my job as
royal puppeteer.
I still remember
swimming in the ocean on that morn
As childhood dreams
lined up to disappear,
In protest I wrote
symphonies for lute and flugelhorn
They said I’d
copied Mozart’s atmosphere.
In doubtful fits of
honesty I built a jumbo jet
With help from
Kublai Khan, my engineer,
I want to fly to
Iceland but I have no engines yet
And somehow there’s
a dreadful oversteer.
I waited for
adulthood but my patience grated thin
So headed out, a
prodigy to smear,
Those Mickey Mouse
Club girlies turned my frown into a grin
I stowed away and
sailed to Warwickshire.
I sit here writing
menus for the restaurant of dreams
My sanity a paper
thin veneer,
I swore my eyes had
learned to fire out cosmic laser beams
But made that up –
it’s really gonorrhea. .
I bid you all
goodnight as twilight falls like Nixon did
And stagger to my
coffin full of cheer,
Remember me, the
only guy with balls to call the bid
To buy my soul –
God bless the auctioneer!
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