I found a crystal drum set and I played it for the King,

he danced a jig - the Queen ran off to Spain,

the holocaust began when he commanded me to sing,

I sounded like a bugler in pain.

So off I went to find the golden fleece and clear my name,

a midget mute beside me as a friend,

he perished like the rest of them - consumed by dragon flame

I'm always on my lonesome in the end.

Back home I took a parachute and rented a balloon

to show the world how gracefully I fly,

the hot air knocked me senseless and I bumped into the moon

and fell into a sweet September sky.

I floated like a cork upon a sea of billowed cloud

descending like an actor on a stage,

a scarecrow saw me land upon his field and then avowed

that when I wrote the book he'd sign the page.

Assuming night would fall I made a beeline for the coast

and met up with some clockwork Chinese dogs,

they acted like they knew me so we dined on buttered toast

then passed out in the sand and slept like logs.

The morning found us far from home infested with the fleas

enlisting in the navy made us part,

I never saw the dogs again, they shipped them overseas

I stayed at home, to nurse my broken heart.

A thousand light-years later I went off to fight the war

strategically I stayed behind the lines,

promoted up to corporal I refused to change the law

and lost an eye defusing limpet mines.

Returning home a hero I retired on Colonel's pay

and opened up a baker's shop in town,

my scones were very popular, exported to Bombay

and just when life was cool the store burned down.

I sat and wrote a symphony then threw it in the sea

a dolphin band refused to let it die,

they organized a concert for a cuttlefish and me

the music was so real it made me cry.

I tiptoed to the Holy Land and wailed against the wall

then heard the call of God but turned it down,

A big-game hunter hired me then, and called me Pope John Paul

but after mass I hitch-hiked into town.

On Forty-second Street a taxi laid me down to rest,

I should have waited till the lights were green,

I tried to go to Heaven but I couldn't pass the test

so settled on that no-where-land between.

That's where you'll find me, every Wednesday night in Lovers' Lane

my audience: a dozen souls or more,

don't listen to the rumors that I'm totally insane,

and when you leave, please shut the bloody door.

More of my FUNNY POEMS