When John yells. the air's full of spittle
and pieces of half chewed up vittal
he's angry, you see
when taking a pee
coz he sees why the men call him "Little"

I saw Robin Hood, had to laugh...
he walked like a drunken giraffe
it struck me quite dumb
that out of his bum
poked Little John's huge quarterstaff!

Young Robin was cool in his wood,
He gained such renown doing good
His bow hand was strong
Coz he practiced so long
Every morning - by pulling his pud!

Riding her horse (known as Dobbin)
Maid Marion came upon Robin,
He took her fair hand
Pressed it onto his gland
"Gadzooks" cried the Lady, "it's throbbin'!"

The Sheriff just sat there and laughed
"Now Robin Hood's using witchcraft!
He brewed up a spell
So his bollocks would swell
And tripled the size of his shaft!"

The merry men let out a cheer
They'd proved that a colleague was queer!
That rascal Will Scarlett
Spoke grand of his harlot
But they caught him - seducing a deer!

That silly young Alan a Dale
Had swigged down a firkin of ale,
He traded some brew
To a whore for a screw
And woke the next morning in jail.

The Sheriff imposed a new tax
the villagers cowed in their shacks
A tarriff on cocks
but the biggest of shocks
was the levy in tradesmen's bumcracks!

Why are the forest men merry?
Is it ale, or the mead or the sherry?
They all wear huge grins
Because everyone wins
They're gay and their leader's a fairy!

I crept round the trunk of a tree
and gasped at the sight I did see
That varlet Will Scarlett
and Charlotte the Harlot
were porking each other with glee!

The Friar was feeling so crabby,
His thing was all weeping and scabby
"Who would think that a nun
Having almost no fun
Could contract such a thing in the Abbey!"