I drank a pint of mercury, to see what it would do,

my hair turned into silver and my lips went septic blue,

my hands evolved, resembling the talons of a bird,

the wife came in and bawled me out for being so absurd.

My time machine was put on hold, the future stayed a blank,

I tried to tell the parish priest, he labeled me a crank,

refusing to accept the fact that time is everywhere

he punched me several times then led me tearfully in prayer.

I ran onto the freeway and a semi ran me down,

I sleep-walked from the hospital, in nothing but a gown,

while waiting for the council bus my pulse and breathing slowed,

a cardiac arrest then left me lying on the road.

The nurse was very beautiful, I fell in love at once,

she slapped my face and told me I was nothing but a dunce,

her boyfriend was an orderly, he pushed the beds around,

he pushed my bed a bit too hard, again I hit the ground.

Arriving at the traction ward, I looked around and sighed,

nobody there had noticed that the potted plants had died,

I caught a bad infection from a south-east Asian guy,

a surgeon cut off both my legs, and hung me out to dry.

You see me at the corner every day, I seek your aid,

my bank account is empty now, from all the bills I paid,

the Government has left me flat, my wife’s now mean to me,

it seems that there’s no cure for someone hooked on mercury!

more of my FUNNY POEMS here