I met a girl called Glenda who liked swimming in the nude,

but I stayed on the shoreline, I was such a silly prude,

I lost her to a lifeguard, he was big and blonde and tanned,

and when he had no togs on, he left three tracks in the sand!

I dated with a Chinese chick, her name was Cindy Lu,

she loved the Eastern martial arts, and movies of kung fu,

although she knew some tricks in bed, I had to cut her loose,

as every time she climaxed she would always scream out "Bruce!"

At Christmas time I met a girl called Sharon, who was nice,

and when I took her home she ripped my clothes off in a trice,

but then she called me Santa Claus, and made me call her Elf,

I'd sit there saying "Ho, ho, ho," while she'd toy with herself!

Jemima was a jockey, and in some ways rather small,

she wanted me to have my way with her, against a wall,

I did what she requested, though I had to bite my lip,

as every time I dropped the pace she'd belt me with her whip!

When Donna came to dinner, I was sure I'd found the one,

I went and popped the question, and she cried when I was done,

she said if we were married, then I'd have to know the worst,

her "Donna" name was recent, she had been a "Donny" first!

Patricia sent me emails, quite the young and friendly type,

I knew I should be careful, but I didn't heed the hype,

I went to her apartment, but things didn't go to plan -

she wasn't young or pretty, she was pudgy - and a man!

I gave up dating women, with their lies and hurtful deeds,

now men who wear long dresses satisfy my basic needs,

they showed me how to find true love, I'm ever in their debt,

no, I'm not gay - I joined a monastery in Tibet!

 more of my FUNNY POEMS here