(APOLOGIES TO KEVIN BLOODY WILSON)

I remember the night of my very first date,

I borrowed my Father’s old car;

I got to her house about two hours late

‘Cos I stopped for a drink at a bar;

She’s already left and her Father was huge,

He started to scream and to shout,

I ran to the car and I backed down the drive

And wiped his prize rose bushes out.

And it was over…before it began.

I went to the pub with a few of my mates

We wanted to get on the grog,

After a dozen Bacardis and Cokes,

I was as sick as a dog;

I went to the gents’ and I fixed myself up

Then I caught a pretty girl’s eye,

As I wandered over she wandered away,

I’d forgotten to do up my fly.

And it was over…before it began

Why can’t I find me a nice little girl?

Someone to look after me,

Seems every time that I find one to talk to

I’ve just eaten garlic for tea…

A girl that I worked with I thought was alright,

I sat with her in the canteen,

I told her that I’d be the boss there some day,

If she liked I would make her my Queen;

We said our goodnight in the company car park

I turned, just to wave her ta-ta,

Then I dropped a big donut, to make her impressed

And totalled the boss’s new car.

And it was over…before it began.