Were I a knight with armour bright

and castle on the hill,

I’d ask the King of Everything

For a joust with doctor Phil.

His whiny drawling Texas tones

would cut no truck with me,

I’d swing my mace right at his face

(and do it gleefully)

The audience would clap and cheer

but not for his advice,

‘twould be because I’d smashed his schnozz

(in fact I’d do it twice)

I’d wipe that smirk right off his face

I’d hear him cry “Enough!”

let’s see how brave this phony knave

is when the going’s tough.

His poisoned pen pedanticism

dipped in daytime honey

can’t swindle me coz I can see

he does it for the money.

He says what women want to hear

depressed and bored housewives

he acts so nice but thinks not twice

of how it taints their lives.

All marriages are different

and sure some need a jolt

he tells the wife to change her life

(it’s all her husband’s fault)

I’m sick of all his “doctor” crap

He’s not a real physician

Hey! doctor Phil, prescribe a pill

you’ll need some ammunition!