Hello, my name is Cecil Pitt, I have the latest news,

You'll find me in the paper every day;

I'll tell you who is pregnant and which star has hit the booze,

And name the latest actor who's turned gay.

I'll tut-tut over tiny things and pen an anguished wail,

At some old dog behaving like a pup;

Or hint about a starlet who has spent a night in jail,

If nothing's happened, then I'll make it up!

That rag that You-know-whoey wore to get that big award?

My baby sister looks more hot than that!

And what of Jason Whatsisname, apparently he scored

With Kevin Thingy's wife, who's old and fat!

B's pregnant - Tom denies that he was with her in Nepal.

I told you that those two would be a mess;

Young Matt? Well, let me stare into my magic crystal ball,

Cause Tinsel Town's the pits, and I am Cec!

Come, read about the break-ups of your favorites and your foes,

That Sarah has been eating like a horse!

Her young man's playing round again and everybody knows,

I bet this is the year of the divorce!

The latest handsome heart throb will be voted on tonight,

No tickets to be had at any price;

You'll find me at a table watching for a word of spite,

As everybody smiles at me so nice.

Yes, you can get your gossip here, your daily poisoned pen,

My column's down the bottom of the page;

You like the newest Barbie or you hate the latest Ken?

I'll tell you who will be tomorrow's rage.

Let Cecil fill your head with stories, straight from movie sets,

The truth is not the only thing I lack;

I get away with murder and I write with no regrets,

You want to be a star? Then scratch my back!