I bought my cat a pirate hat and called him Mr. Smee,

we stole a ship from Liverpool and headed out to sea,

the trade winds sailed us into waters men have never seen,

an island with a mountain belching smoke of emerald green.

We anchored in a sapphire cove, the sun set ruby red,

I said goodnight to Mr. Smee and staggered off to bed,

but dreams of buried riches had me caught within their trap,

I woke and drank a quart of rum, then drew a treasure map.

At breakfast, Smee and I went over plans that I had made,

we rowed into the beach armed with our map and trusty spade,

at fifty paces north we stopped and dug a hole to test,

the clunk of steel on timber said that we had found a chest!

We loaded it on board and Smee was keen to take his share,

but I knew much of pirate life and warned him have a care,

the sea-dog who had killed for this would conjure Satan first,

then bury it at midnight - every treasure chest was cursed!

Advising him of prudence I got stinking rotten drunk,

we sang a song of wealth untold, I staggered to my bunk,

and woke to find my door was locked - this must be mutiny -

the stinking chest had sunk its claws in poor old Mr. Smee!

It didn't take me long to pick the lock and get outside,

but there upon the deck the chest was lying, open wide,

doubloons were scattered everywhere, the curse was active now,

I shook my head in silence - then I heard a sad meow.

'Twas Mr. Smee all right, I haven't any doubt of that,

despite the creature looking very little like a cat,

he had no flesh - just skeleton - bad magic had occurred,

and then this Hell's creation rubbed against my leg and purred!

I couldn't stand its evil touch and kicked it in the neck,

the head split from the body and it rolled across the deck,

an evil laugh came from its mouth - the sound of Hell and more,

I threw it hard, it smashed in pieces on my cabin door.

The body started walking, it was Satan's instrument,

a headless feline skeleton, with murderous intent,

I grabbed a big belaying pin - bashed each and every bone -

a hundred heartbeats later I was sobbing - and alone.

I sailed back home to England and retired from piracy,

I settled in the Cheshire moors, and shunned society,

a vegan diet does me now, no meat or flesh or fat -

whenever I eat any bones I taste that bloody cat!

 more of my FUNNY POEMS here
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