The maths they taught in college made me dizzy,

I even found the three times table hard,

while other kids looked thoughtful, smart and busy

all I could do was stare out in the yard.

Geometry fair left me in a tangle,

I never learned a thing that I could use,

the isometric value of the angle?

I couldn’t even say “hypotenuse!”

In algebra, I sucked at logarithm,

I threw the text books out, they made me mad,

my only chance of passing went out with ‘em,

despite the fact the teacher was my Dad!

There’s no way I could do triangulation,

I couldn’t play a game that used a dice,

square roots were always causing me frustration,

the only cubes I knew were made of ice!

I had a nemesis, its name: subtraction,

division was anathema to me,

I couldn’t multiply or work a fraction,

my best result in maths was minus E!

Deciding on my future as an actor,

I left the world of pi and sine and tan,

so what if I can’t work a damn protractor -

I’ll hire myself someone who bloody can!

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