I hope Mum likes THIS lover,

cos my memories are bitter;

the last true love that I brought home

well, Mum hauled off and hit her!

“Not good enough” were words she used,

then threw the uppercut,

and chucked her from the house with words

like “whore” and “trash” and “slut.”

A nice girl, too, from way up North,

would do nobody harm;

and Mum was fine until she saw

the tattoo on her arm.

A tiny little scorpion,

quite tasteful, one would think;

but Mum went drunk with hate and rage

and doesn’t even drink!

My Mother has a secret past,

she thinks that I don’t know,

but she was once a bikie moll

(‘course that was years ago.)

She always wears a long-sleeved top

and says it’s for the best,

but I have baby memories of

a spider on her breast!

I’d love to get a tattoo’d arm,

a heart with “Mum” inside,

but when I mentioned it one day

I thought she’d bloody died!

From outside Mum looks normal,

she’s calm and kind and thorough,

but one town that cannot be said

aloud is Edinburgh!

She’s always so serene, you know,

but if I want “insane”

I point up at the sky and yell:

“Boss! The plane! The plane!”

Now I’m old enough to date

but that first love I had

just ended in disaster

because Mother went quite mad.

I know I must forgive her

for the brutal, bad attack,

be glad she never saw the snake

tattoo’d on that girl’s back!

So here we are, I’ve checked and checked

no tattoos on THIS love,

surely Mother will approve?

Help me, God above!

“Mum, I’m home! I’ve brought a friend,

I think that we may marry;

Mum, this is my newest love –

I’d like you to meet Barry!”

 

 More of my FUNNY POEMS